This summer was filled with anticipation. Anticipation mostly because I was excited about yearbook camp and finding out who the editor was going to be. I had applied for the position and was feeling confident in my abilities.
I just got home from yearbook camp only to be told that the girl who was editor last year is editor again, and I am mearly an assistant editor. Much like the Honorable Mention award we won for our theme packet, I feel like its a consolation prize. Like "Good job for trying, but you're not good enough."
This was something I really wanted, this was something I'd hoped for the whole summer, something I'd hoped for since spring break last school year. And to be denied the opportunity to prove myself is crushing. I had to fight the tears as I drove home. I couldn't say anything to anyone about it without crying, as I tear up typing about it now, the disappointment is so real.
I think it's unfair that the editor gets to be editor two years in a row. I think it's unfair that I don't feel like my opinions are being heard. And I think it's unfair that I don't get to prove that I can do just as good a job has her, maybe even better.
After expressing my opinions to my teacher he basically told me that I was wrong and that he did not feel the same way. My mom told me the best I can do is take this "assistant" role and prove to them that I can do more. I feel like no one respects me enough to think that I can do a good job, I feel like they walk all over me because I'm too nice of a person to say "no, it should be this way." I think they're wrong.
Then we went to church. The pastor talked about strength. About believing that God will strengthen you to do anything He has called you to do. I was distracted most of the time because I could only think about how disappointed I was that I was not head editor. I would tear up a little bit because I could not contain the sadness I felt. He talked about what fear does to you, and what faith can do.
It is so hard to be strong, to stand up for myself in a room full of girls who think I'm not good enough, who think they are better than me because I don't think they same way. Because I am not a feminist like them. Because I like to eat meat. And because I am nice about presenting my ideas. I find it very hard to lean on God when it comes to school. I don't know how to handle so much negativity in a healthy way. There is so much gossip and curse words and hate that goes on in teenage girl's minds, and I wanted to be a positive example of a Christian, but dealing with rejection on something that I wanted so badly is incredibly difficult. I've never had to deal with anything like this before, and all I want is for my teacher to see that I deserved this. I worked so hard last year to prove myself, while the editor was rushing to meet deadlines and making snap decisions without consulting anyone.
This is going to be a hard year for me. For me to accept that I am not head editor, to accept the role of second best, which I feel I am always destined to play.
Note: This is strictly me venting about my frustration and disappointment. I don't mean to offend anyone. I don't mean to say that I am better than anyone. I am happy to be made an editor because my teacher did not have to have an assistant editor. All I am trying to say is that I am sad I was not chosen as head editor, I don't think it's fair, but I will keep these opinions to myself from now on. This blog is here for me to vent, it is not to be taken to heart or to be taken too seriously if I say something you don't agree with.
Dear Mimi, I know it's hard but it comes with the publishing territory. I wrote stories and sent them out regularly for over a year and got nothing back but rejection letters. It was a long time before I sold my first story and I got $15 for it. The next story I sold was about 6 months later. I got $35 for it. What I'm getting at is the publishing field is at the mercy of the editor (or teacher) and there is nothing one can do to change their mind. I did write back to one editor and express my disappointment that I had been rejected, only to be told in so many words, to grow up. Editors always have the last word, as does a teacher. Because I am such a stubborn person, I set my face to writing material so strongly put together that it would not only be accepted, but GLADLY accepted. It took me about 5 years to get to the point where my material was put into the "read right away file" is what one editor told me. When I see your name, he said, I know it will be good material so I read it as soon as possible. By that time I was selling everything wrote. There is a work ethic called "paying your dues" and everyone has to go through it, no matter what field they are in. You are paying your dues. You started paying them last year and you will continue this year and who knows how long after that. The most important thing I can tell you is to put forth your best work with your sweet, happy personality and take paying your dues seriously. You do not know what the future holds. What if this year's editor gets sick and can't continue with the job? Who will the teacher choose as a replacement? A sweet smiling young lady who gives it her all even though she wanted the top job or a sour, snarky young lady who can't take losing? God never takes away one thing and replaces it with a snake. There is a reason why you are going through this discipline and if you look at it as coming from God and not the teacher, then you'll realize that there is a reason for it. A good reason. God always has a plan to help us grow in one way or another. I know this is hard to hear but there came a time when the phrase, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way" was popular because it was said by an important man in the business field. I was the lead teacher of my Sunday School class and I was replaced by someone I thought much less talented than I. God told me I had to learn to follow with a ready heart or I had to get out of His way. I learned to follow and came to the place where I could tell God that I would do whatever work He gave me to do and I could follow and would never again pout about not being the leader. That is still true to this day. I can lead or I can follow but I never want God to have to put me out of His way. I love you. You are in God's school. You will learn something new from Him. In the end, you will smile and see His wisdom at work in your life. Just remember that He loves you more than your parents do, more than your siblings do, more than your grandparents do, more than your friends do. He loves you as though you were His only child. Love, Oma
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for that. I think that is exactly what I needed to hear. I always sort of knew that this is part of God's plan, but it can be so hard for me to accept that because I feel like He's always given me opportunities to shine and be my best and then "reward" me for it. So thank you for being another voice of reason in a time where I just want to scream at my teacher. I will take your advice and be the best that I can be, to prove to them that I can do my best in whatever role they put me in. Love you.
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